Finally. The whole truth can come out. A story of self-sacrifice and public service. Of a person who has dedicated his life to the country. Bravery on a scale previously considered unimaginable.
For decades now, Prince Andrew has vacillated between becoming a national joke and a figure of embarrassment. Synonym for arrogance, self-respect and utter stupidity. Being considered the youngest member of the royal family is a great achievement. This is a highly controversial compliment. His fall from grace has been on an epic scale. From Falklands War hero and mum’s favourite, to complete outsider. That untouchable from whom even his brothers and sisters live at a distance.
The outside world could only see a human sponge. A man who thought that if he paid attention to people he was doing them a favor. The prince who will never knowingly pay for anything. Apart from some margherita’s from Pizza Express in Woking. Randy Andy, a regular at sex parties, exclusive golf courses and other people’s private jets. A friend of tyrants and hunters with whom others would rather not be seen dead.
But how wrong we all were. Because all that was just a cover. His job, about which he was sworn to secrecy, was to get close to some of the most undesirable men and women in the world and expose them. Doing so meant remaining secretly secret for decades. How he wanted to shout to the world that he was – always was – one of the good guys. Yet his nobility, humility and dedication to the cause were always given priority.
Hanging out with underage girls in the penthouse suites with Jeffrey Epstein terrified her. But he took one for the team. Nor was he concerned about the damage caused to his reputation. It was all about helping take down Big Jeff. Work done. Only MI5 and Interpol would know how central he was to that investigation. Good riddance to nasty rubbish etc.
This was just for beginners. His most dangerous operation to date was playing everyone’s useful idiot. A role in which he immersed himself. Mark Rylance must have been amazed by his acting skills. His handler had said, “We need to get you, your Princeship, close to foreign spies, diplomats and dictators.” “Let them think you are corrupt. That, if they flatter you, they may get access to state secrets and the highest levels of government.
It was a rotten job but Andrew understood its importance. All those hours he’d spent getting smoked up his ass by people who were using him to gain influence. Let them think that they can be easily won over by freebies and flattery. Some jobs were so big that they required associates. Theresa May and David Cameron go ahead. Code Name: Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Under instructions to play dumb. Not strict.
And then the big time. Both of them together had lured in H6. Beijing’s response to Dr. No. Not many people can say that he played a significant role in dismantling a major espionage network. The Director General of MI5 described it as the agency’s biggest coup in a generation. Andrew was the spycatcher’s spycatcher. The elite of the elite. Although no one will ever know. Its lid should not break. At most there will be a private medal ceremony. His personal satisfaction rewarded him for a job well done.
Sadly, there was no discussion on this in the Commons on Monday afternoon. Ahead of an urgent question to Iain Duncan Smith on the conduct of the United Front, the Chinese spy agency, in Britain, the Speaker reminded MPs that the royal family was off limits in the debate. So no salvation for the prince of princes. He will continue to serve quietly.
So it was left to Security Minister Dan Jarvis to light Yang Tengbo’s chamber – a court had lifted the ban on H6’s name just an hour earlier – the operation. The government took the Chinese threat very seriously and its failure to establish a Foreign Influence Registration Scheme (FIR) was in no way linked to Keir Starmer’s enthusiasm for establishing close ties with President Xi. Definitely not. This was all due to the slow pace of the previous Conservative government. Who also wanted close relations with China. You can’t put cigarette paper between Labor and Tory China policies.
IDS has always been aggressive when it comes to China. How was such a dangerous spy allowed to get so close to the royal family? And why were our spies not as good as Chinese spies? Even Jarvis did not have the answer to this. Prince Andrew’s rare position was above the pay grade of Minister of Security. Once again, Andy must suffer in silence.
The award for Cheek was given to Shadow Home Secretary Chris Philip. “The prime minister is too much of a sycophant of President Xi,” he said. Err… wait a minute. These are the same philipsters who have made toading an art form. The proverbial nose in search of a bomb. The man for whom no stick is ever smooth. No one can ever bend less than Chris. He would happily let Xi walk all over him.
Labour’s Paul Waugh thought it was time for some institutional memory upgrading in the Tory party. Theresa May had received Chinese praise for being willing to overlook human rights abuses in a desire to promote better trade relations with Beijing. Oh, if you have to, keep abusing the Uighurs. Very good.
There was some embarrassment in the ministerial civil servants’ box next to the Speaker’s chair when Tom Tugendhat insisted that the FIR was ready to be implemented in time for the July elections. It’s possible that officials may have been a little optimistic in their assessment over the summer. Tugendhat also wanted the Chinese to be classified into an advanced level for the plan. Jarvis remained noncommittal. One more thing above his pay grade.
We ended up with a very angry Lee Anderson. Reform MPs were hoping to cause a stir by nominating Tengbo under parliamentary privilege. Very brave. Such freedom fighters. Therefore he was extremely upset that his name had already been released by the court. Why couldn’t the judges be more aware when you needed to be? Instead, he was simply grumbling about something the government didn’t do. Try to move on, Lee.
Prince Andrew turned off the television. Even those who serve simply stand and wait.
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Taking the Lead by John Crace is published by Little, Brown (£18.99). To support the Guardian & Observer, order your copy here guardianbookshop.comDelivery charges may apply.